FRIDAY:

Hey! I think I see a penny!


Now that’s what I call a basketball revolution.  Get ‘em boys!    
       


The mighty Conrholio Speaks!  But mostly he just stares



Avery Johnson just remembered who he was



Damnit ball, just leave me alone!



The Charlotte Bobscraps:  Sometimes I ask myself if it’s even worth putting this team on here, since they’ve probably been included on Bawful more times this season than anyone else.  But if our goal is to focus purely on comedy then look no further than these guys.  

Playing the Buckaneers, they gave up 72 points in the paint (not a typo). 
How do you let that happen to a team whose best post up player right now is Drew Gooden?  Littering the court with banana peels would have provided better defense than what the Bobscraps could muster.  After witnessing this performance in Charlotte, I’m sure the crowd threw plenty.

"You have to be tough-mined as well as physically tough and if you're not, those kinds of things happen," Bobcats coach Paul Silas said. "You have to be experienced, too, and the majority of our guys are not experienced. We have to learn and we have to get better. That's just where we are right now."

That has to be the most polite way of saying “my team sucks” I have ever heard.  

Speaking of the Bobscraps, to make things interesting, the NBA should entertain the idea of letting them finish out the season in the WNBA. 
At least that way they can battle the New York Liberty for the 4th spot in the east,  feel somewhat competitive, and only give up half as many points in the paint.


The New York Bricks:  Well, if they did one thing right on this night, it was live up to their Bawful nickname.  

When the going got tough, Toronto got going by unleashing the most common of all basketball defenses to stump the Knicks.  

They went zone.

And the results weren't pretty. 

New York shot just 32 of 85 (38 percent) and no Knicks player made more than six field goals.
Everyone knows that one of the best ways to beat a zone defense is to hit your outside shots.  Well, for NY they took plenty, and missed even more.

Going 5 for 28 from 3 point land (a percentage matching Amare’s S.A.T. score for the reading comprehension section), the Knicks were blown out in a game that was never in doubt.

According to the AP, this was also the first NBA game to be broadcast in Mandarin for North America. 


I could just see the job posting when they were looking for potential broadcasters on Craigslist:


WANTED:  Mandarin Speaking Basketball Commentator for the Raptors

Must at least know how to say the following in Mandarin for 2 ½ hours a night:
 
-       Thats hit the front of the iron
-       He’s coughed it up
-       Offensive foul
-       Raptors have cut the deficit to just 20 now
-       Focus on the draft, gear up for next season
-       Both teams played hard
-       Calderon needs rogaine
-       Bargnani at the buzzer! It’s no good


Contact us now! All applicants welcome!


Detroit Thick Skins:  Well they gotta have thick skin to put up with the type of criticism they must be getting this season.
They got blown out by the cHeat, and were down by as many as 26.  

"We knew exactly how they were going to defend us, but we weren't able to do much against them," Detroit coach Lawrence Frank said. "We kept trying to move the ball through the forest of hands, and they were getting all kinds of tips and deflections.”

He also added “I, nor anyone on the team have any idea what the hell we’re doing out there.  
Hopefully the fans don’t pick up on that”

Judging by the attendance Lawrence, I think they might have.


_allas Mavericks:  Since there was no D whatsoever on this night against the Spurs, as they let them shoot 49% from the floor, the Mavs got smashed 87-104.  Not only was their D pathetic, they only managed to shoot 38% from the floor themselves, blending the best of their 2003 era defense and 1997 offense.

Maybe they shoulda brought back this man to help in the shooting department:


Getting crushed by the Spurs at their arena is one thing.  SA does have one of the top home records in the league, but letting yourselves get your asses handed to you by THIS GUY:



In that case my friends, I can’t let you off the hook.

Ginger Face went off for 14 points, nailing 4 out of 5 from three point land.  He did his best Nowitzki imitation from the perimter, while Dirk did his best Playoff Bonner imitation in the third and fourth quarters.

Speaking of which…


The German Bomber:  And bombed, Dirk did.  After starting the game 4-6 from the floor, it felt like the Spurs were going to be in for another night of rapage from Dirk who was scorching in that first quarter.   

Then San Antonio switched Stephen Jackson as well as Boris Diaw on him. 

Dirk finished the night going a season worst 5-21 from the field.

Dirk saw Diaw guarding him and probably thought he was going to get eaten alive.  Literally.


Lamar Odumb:  Earning the first DNP-CD of his career, this guy finds all kinds of ways to hit a new low.  What was once seen as a huge steal for Dallas at the beginning of the season, has now become a total distraction.

It was already bad enough that his wife wouldn’t let him take off his warm ups in bed, but now the Mavs too?  

*shakes head*


Vince Quitter:  In 24 bawful minutes, he managed to have just as many turnovers as field goals (one) for a total of 3 points.
As a matter of fact, D-League prospect Eric Dawson managed more points in one minute (6) than Vince the Wince managed in 24.
Hopefully Dawson enjoyed his Jeremy Lin moment.           



Minny T-Pups: This game had 95% of an epic story with a happy ending for Kevin Love, who had a career high 51 point night to go with 14 rebounds against the top Western seeded Thunder.

The Wolves, who had lost Rubio a few weeks ago, had no business being in the game. The Thunder allowed Love to shoot 60% from the floor, including 7-11 from 3 point land.

The Thunder tried everything they could to stop him: double/triple teaming, having Ibaka and Perkins smother him, and playing the latest Ringo Starr album at an obnoxiously high volume.

But none of that worked.

So how do you ask, do the T-Pups find themselves in our Worst of the Weekend selection?  Well that’s easy:



Everything fell apart as the Wolves went on to get blasted in the 2nd overtime, getting outscored 11 to 20.

Kudos to Love, but this gem must have made him pretty sore afterwards:

"That's my man, my main guy. Definitely talking trash out there, especially after he hit the one right in my face," Ninja Turtle Westbrook said.

"He said, 'In your face.' He just kept pointing, like, 'In your face, in your face.'"

No Kevin, in your face.

I’m not the only one who felt bad for the T-Pups, after the game Beasley made sure everyone was consoled and taken care of:




















Derek Fisher:  *whistles*  What can I tell you.  At first, it surprised many that the Lakers were willing to let go of Derek Fisher to the Rockets just for a decent prospect in Jordan Hill.

Considering how much he meant to the franchise in the past as a veteran leader and clutch shooter, Fisher was pretty butt-hurt for getting traded.

Ladies and Gentlemen, now I give you your 2012 Derek Fisher!

Going 2-11 from the floor, with just 5 points and 3 assists in 36 minutes, Fisher was really killing the Thunder out there.  Bricks after brick after brick.

He’s old and slower than ever, but now you can really see how much Sessions is an upgrade for the Lakers if this is what they had before.  I’m sure Fisher will have better games, but this season has been awful for him as he’s averaging career lows across the board.

Now, some people felt there were many times where he looked like the worst Laker on the floor earlier this season, but I’m thinking what he’s doing now is better for the Lakers than anything else he’s done for them since 2010.

He’s sabotaging the Thunder!

That’s gotta be it right?  I wonder if when Fisher told Houston that he wanted a buyout and was willing to sacrifice 3.4 Million dollars that Kevin McHale popped out of that mine shaft and went “Yesssssss”.

You hope Scott Brooks won’t trust Fisher with that many minutes a night on a consistent basis, but then again, it is Scott Brooks.



SATURDAY:


Bitch, I’m a YELLOW BELT



Goran Dragic reacts to Dirk Nowitzki spoiling the second season of Game of Thrones



Coach Whittman:  Did you guys know that the longest amount of time I’ve spent with a woman was an hour and 10 minutes?  Keep in mind that also factors in daylight savings.


Yao Ming doing what he did best during his years for Houston: sitting on the sideline in street clothes.


The Grizz:  Well, I am expecting a dead coach bounce effect to happen any day for the Clippers as Vinny finds himself on the hot seat more and more.  Looks like the Clippers got a head start by pounding the Bernstein Bears jumping out to a 33-17 first quarter lead and never looking back.

In regards to Vinny, this is what Griffin had to say:

"Somebody kind of told me what was being said about him, but we're all behind him (especially if Vinny is on the edge of a cliff) and we've got to keep it that way," Griffin said. "I don't know how much we've taken from his personality (judging by their record, probably a lot), but he's an energetic coach and obviously we want to play that way. Sometimes we haven't, but we just need to keep buying in, and everybody needs to believe in each other."

The Grizz have now lost 5 out of their last 6.  If Coach Hollins is aiming for another tank for the 8th seed to face OKC, he’s doing a great job.



The Charlotte Bobscraps: Oh hey Bobscraps! Long time, no see.

In a battle of the impotents, the Nyets and Bobscraps went all out in boring the fans as Williams and co. cruised to an easy 102-89 victory.  Things have become so frustrating for “Coach” Silas that he didn’t even bother to coach this game, instead letting his son Stephen Silas take over.

And in true father like son fashion, the results weren’t any different.

Desagna Diop and Najera missed the game for Charlotte due to injuries….all of their teammates were jealous.


Toronto Craptors:  Playing a depleted Bulls team, the Craps looked like they had the perfect chance to steal a game at the United Center. They were up one, with Amir Johnson at the line shooting free throws with 15 seconds to go.

As expected, Johnson missed both free throws, setting the Bulls up for one last play.

Without leaking the script, I’m sure you can guess what happened:



Bulls post game reaction (via AP):


"We're lucky we had enough time to get the rebound," Deng said. "When it left my hand it felt good because I saw the light after it left my hand. But then again, you never really know. We waited until they made the decision."



Craptors post game reaction (via AP):






Queens/Furriors: Wow, this is a classic.  Calling it an “error filled” debacle to close out the game is an understatement.

From AP Recap:

On any other night, David Lee's 5-second violation in the final moments might've cost the Golden State Warriors a win. It was the kind of head-scratching turnover almost nobody can top.

Except the Sacramento Kings.

Isaiah Thomas dribbled the ball of his leg attempting a crossover against Lee on the next possession, handing the Warriors a 111-108 victory in a turnover-filled finish typical of two teams at the bottom of the Pacific Division.

Look no further than the play by play to get an idea of what happened:




If BasketBawful ever gets James Cameron to put out a film based on this blog, the last 3 minutes of that fourth quarter should garner an academy award.

Bawful favorite DeMarcus Cousins had a monster game of 28 and 18.  However, when the guy you build around makes plays like this on a weekly basis:



It’s no surprise that the Queens find themselves on the losing end of a lot of games.



SUNDAY:

Here’s my number, I’m in room 321



Kyrie: Why the hell is this guy holding my hand?


Rondo getting into character to play Jaffar in the new Aladdin musical


The Cavadeers:  Well, mama always told me there would be days like these. 

 She just didn’t tell me that they’d be this embarrassing.

The Cavs got blown out by the Suns who trailed by as many as 28.  Shooting just 38% from the game, Cleveland was never even close in this one.  

Marcin Gortat scored the first 10 points, as the Suns just ripped through this one for the easy victory.


"He ate us alive," Byron Scott said. "I don't know if Tristan didn't know that much about him or if he didn't realize that the guy is a pretty good player. Gortat has been playing well all season long."

Wait, don’t all NBA teams have a scouting staff? So you know which players to key in on?  Not saying that Tristan shouldn’t know about Gortat, but you’d think they’d discuss this in the gameplan somewhere? Right?

But then again the words “Cavs” and “Gameplan” have never been used in the same sentence until now.



Denver McNuggets: Instead of focusing on the Nuggs getting their butts whooped, let’s focus on what really makes Denver so fun and exciting this season (even if for all the wrong reasons):

JaVale McGee!

According to buzzfeed.com here are 21 reasons why you should follow McGee on twitter.  These include his views on health, gender inequality, gangster mothers, owning a DJ Roomba (!), and how Jack n Jill was apparently hilarious:


And we’re not done yet, here’s Javale McGee getting heckled by a donkey:



At this rate he should change his name from JaVale McGee to JaVale Magoo.


Philly 1776’ers:  Prior to this game, Philly’s record in games played in San Antonio was a tidy 1-23 since the 1987 season.

Juding by that statistic, you’d think the Sixers would rename the Spurs arena to “San Antonio’s Bedroom”  since that’s where they like to go when they wanna get f*cked in SA.

And boy, did they ever.

Managing just 41% shooting to a Spurs team playing its third game in just as many nights, the Sixers got blown out in the second half.  Scoring just 27 points in the second half would’ve been great for 1942, but 2012?…..not so much.

I get that the Sixers had no Iggy, but San Antonio played sans Duncan (DNP-OLD). 

The Sixers had to deal with the monstrous frontline for the Spurs that ended up being the Turd Towers (Bonner/Blair). To make matters worse, Philly shot just 45% from the free throw line. 

Looks like those Shaquille O’Neal Free Throw Shooting Kits really do work:

ON SALE NOW!



Utah Mormons: You know what sucks more than sitting through 4 quarters of a Jazz/Hawks game?

Sitting through 4 quarters and four overtimes of a Jazz/Hawks game.

This was a game that saw 136 missed shots, 82 free throws, 68 fouls, and 54 minutes of Zaza Pachulia.

And have I mentioned that the teams were a combined 2 of 16 from the field in the first overtime? 

Their combined four points tied for 2nd-fewest in NBA history in an overtime period.

Best news for the Mormons who lost after slugging it out for all those minutes?  

They get to play again Monday night.



Miami cHeat: Well that was awesome.   

The Heat got outrebounded, outshot, and outclassed all the way to a 87-103 loss to the Thunder.
It’s one thing when you let Durant (11-20 from the field, 28 points) murder you, but letting KENDRICK  FREAKIN’ PERKINS go 8-11 from the field?!?!?

Then again, if I saw a guy who looked like this, I’d probably let him do whatever he wanted around the basket too.

In other Heat news, Antoine Walker was forced to sell his championship ring thanks to racking nearly $13 Million in debt.

Life hasn’t been too kind to Walker in recent years. This was the same guy who unfortunately got robbed a few years ago at gunpoint.

If there’s a positive about that story, it’s that it marked the only time Walker didn’t allow his man to get a shot off.


Derek Fisher: His name belongs here because he had just as many points in 18 minutes in this game as I did from my couch.  Not to go overboard with the Fisher looking old thing, but let’s be serious for a second.  On the court this guy looks like he’s just a few weeks away from wearing those old man diapers.

If the Thunder go on to win the championship, you know they’ll play up the whole “veteran presence” angle for Fisher.  


I can just see the tagline for the Thunder Championship DVD featuring Fisher and the rest of the team:

They changed his diapers, he changed their lives.


Should be a Disney film in no time.



Los Angeles Flakers:  Taking on the Care Bears, the Lakers kept it relatively close in the third quarter, but slowly let the game slip away, falling to the Grizz 96-102.

Shooting 40% against a potential playoff opponent just isn’t going to cut it.  Since acquiring Sessions, the Lakers are officially playing .500 ball (3-3 since the trade).


Kobe Bryant getting benched courtesy of Mike B:


Despite the Lakers getting strong shooting percentages from Kobe and Bynum, Gasol’s 4-14, and Metta World Peace Ron Artest going 2-9 is just asking for a loss in the worst kind of way.


Speaking of Ron Artest, I close this novel of a post with a trip down memory lane:



Hope you all had a great weekend.



Chris's Lacktation Report:

Friday:

Cavs-Magic: Semih Erden bricked once in 8:35 for a +1.

Meanwhile, Daniel Orton dropped a piece of masonry on Lake Eola in 119

seconds and also lost the rock once for a +2 and a 1:0 Madsen-level
Voskuhl.

Suns-Pacers: Indiana's AJ Price cashed a quick cartridge exchange at

Gamestop for just 8 seconds for a SUPER MARIO!

Nyets-Hawks: New Jersey's Sundiata Gaines had 16 seconds to evade Koopa

shells for a Mario.

Meanwhile, Jason Collins countered 2 boards in 13:45 with three fouls

and two bricks for a 3:2 Voskuhl, and Jerry Stackhouse stacked up 2.7
trillion worth of bank notes (164 seconds).

Heat-Pistons: James Jones hit a jackpot at the MGM Grand with a 7.6

trillion (455 seconds).

Celtics-Sixers: Sam Young earned Philly a cool exact 2 trillion!


Wolves-Thunder: Anthony Randolph lost the rock once in 44 seconds for a

+1 and Mario, while fellow puppy Brad Miller negated an assist with a
foul in 3:46 for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Mavs-Spurs: Brian Cardinal fouled once in 260 seconds for a +1, the

same suck differential Dominique Jones earned in 124 seconds via brick.

San Antonio's Boris Diaw dished out perfection from the field (on one

attempt) and three boards in 15:53 only to foul four times and lose the
rock twice for a 6:5 Voskuhl.

Nuggets-Jazz: Denver's Julyan Stone prospected a cool 2.4 trillion (144

seconds).

Enes Kanter was musical from one attempt on the field in 7:43, but that

and a board could not overcome two fouls and turnovers in a 4:3 Voskuhl.

Frail Blazers-Lakers: Troy Murphy mired himself in a +1 via foul in 160

seconds that also earned a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.


Saturday:
 
Grizzlies-Clippers: Trey Thompkins lost the rock once in 91 seconds to
give Donald Sterling a +1.

Hawks-Generals: Jason Collins provided the dirty birds with 6.2

trillion in celebratory cash (374 seconds).

Bobcats-Nyets: Cory Higgins can buy new shoes   with his 1.7 trillion

payday (102 seconds).

In that same timespan, Sundiata Gaines bricked once for a +1 and Jerry

Smith also collected cash, but in the form of rubles.

Mavs-Rockets: Houston's Courtney Fortson bricked twice (once from

[downtown Houston]) and fouled in 264 seconds for a +3.

Purple Paupers-Warriors: East Oakland's Jeremy Tyler trashed one board

and field goal in 9:58 with four fouls and a turnover to earn a 5:3
Voskuhl.



 Sunday:

Generals-Celtics: Edwin Ubiles was unproductive in 344 seconds with a +2 via bricks for Washington.

Meanwhile, E'Twaun Moore (via foul in 171 seconds) and JaJuan Johnson (via brick in 167 seconds) each earned +1 suck differentails for Boston, and Sasha Pavlovic took home a 2.8 trillion (167 seconds).


Jazz-Hawks: Just because it took FOUR overtimes to resolve this game doesn't mean Jason Collins can't do his normal stuff for Atlanta, managing only one assist in 8:38 that was marred by a near-foulout for a 5:0 Voskuhl.


El (Oh El) Heat-Thunder: James Jones jacked up three bricks, with two from...Bricktown...to earn a +3 in 216 seconds.


Nick Collison was perfect on a singular attempt from the field in 18:34 but fouled and bricked twice each for a 4:2 Voskuhl.  Reggie Jackson slugged one visit to Bricktown in 74 seconds for a +1 - the same timespan it took Cole Aldrich and Royal Ivey to bring home 1.4 trillion!  Also striking it rich was Lazar Hayward with a 2 trillion (119 seconds).


Warriors-Frail Blazers: Jeremy Tyler toiled as East Oakland's starting big man, botching two boards in 8:41 with 3 fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl.  Mickell Gladness unhappily bricked once and fouled thricely in 238 seconds for a +4 and a 3:0 Voskuhl, and Keith Benson banked a 4 trillion (242 seconds).


Grizzlies-Lakers: Dante Cunningham culled a single piece of masonry in 64 seconds for a +1.


The Lakers matched that suck differential with Troy Murphy's brick from Olvera Street in 305 seconds.

Labels: ,

17 Comments:
Blogger chris said...
Raza, welcome to contributor status!!! :D

Man, I am suddenly excited for the next Bawful banner update. Will it be in glorious MS Paint!??!?!

Anonymous Matt said...
Great update, Raza!

I particularly like the Cousins clip. Especially the part when he seems to be saying "How did that basket support get here?"

Anonymous Cetti said...
"The Sixers had to deal with the monstrous frontline for the Spurs that ended up being the Turd Towers (Bonner/Blair)."

That part had me laughing for 2 minutes, seriously. Great write-up, you get better and better. I am actually becoming excited to visit the page again, keep it up!

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
I am addicted to watching that gif. The look on Anthony Tolliver's face is just amazing.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
The Jafar/Rondo comment is gold!

Blogger Fishy said...
I still think Fisher should've been able to retire a Laker..... but yeah, he's pretty bawful

Blogger kazam92 said...
This read like Bawful in his prime. Well done sir. The Mike Brown picture had me dying

Blogger Raza said...
Thanks guys, and yeah Chris we should definitely look into an MS Paint banner.

The possibilities would be endless!

Anonymous James said...
Awesome, good stuff.

Blogger LotharBot said...
March 26, Nuggets @ Bulls.

Leading rebounder (both teams): Ty Lawson. Whaaaaaaaat?

Blogger Raza said...
Lawson is a stud, the Nuggets will definitely be a pesky first round opponent.

Brandon Knight gets himself gatoraded when going after a loose ball:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFS-SmbMVQ8&feature=player_embedded#!

Nice hustle though haha

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I can't believe that Cousins video was a no call. The basket support clearly fouled him

Blogger bssurgical said...
Its such a nice site, i am the regular visitor of this web. Its very informative site.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Look at that woman's horrified facial expression in the first picture! LOL. It's as if she thought he was Ron Artest running over the chairs for her.

Anonymous ride the fader said...
raza, you are a 1000 times funnier than evil ted. i enjoyed this.

Blogger Wormboy said...
Raza, you just stole Matt McHale's job. Seriously, Matt. You're now relegated to summer musings on college asexual life. ;)


Only one complaint, Raza: you have an image that looks like Green's hand in a woman's crotch. She has an awesome expression. This is a sports blog. Penny? Really? That's Bawful.

That said:
http://blog.evenues.com/image.axd?picture=stay_thirsty.jpg

Blogger Raza said...
Wormboy, thanks a ton, I can't believe I missed out on the potential crotch come out.

Hopefully for next time, as that expression she has is PRICELESS!

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