Result: Uncertain.

We must now consider other factors, such as the condition of the court. A badly swept court, which does not allow more talented players to make quick moves to the basket, may lower the quality of play more for better players. Now Team 2 above looks as follows:

.5 + .5 + .7 +1.1 + 1.1 = 3.9

Meanwhile, Team 1, comprised of average players who are equally affected by the poor conditions, looks like this:

.9 + .9 + .9 + .9 +.9 = 4.5

Result: Team 1 wins.

Now, playing outside can involve:

1. An uneven court, where (c) equals the number of cracks in the pavement

2. Wind, where (w) equals the wind gust mph and (z) equals wind shear.

3. Sunlight, where (s) equals the brightness of the sun as compared to (L) it's location in the sky as it relates to the backboard.

4. Distractions, where (B) equals the quality of babes watching from the sidelines.

The following equation should be self-explanatory:

3.9 - (c) * (w + z/2) / (s + L + B) = 4.5 - (c) - *(w + z/2) / (s + L + B)

Result: Obvious.

Also factor in the mental state of the players (m). For example, did Mr. 1.5 just have a fight with his wife? Did he lose his job? Are his kids driving him up a wall? This circumstance halves his ability in most cases:

1.5/2m = .75

Occasionally, however, a player uses pickup basketball as a glorious escape from the torture of his sorry life. This can actually improve his play marginally:

1.5 * m * kids' grade-point average / volume of wife's voice + (monthly salary - monthly mortgage payment) /result of on-the-side girlfriend's pregnancy test = 1.6

And, of course, even the best player can use bad judgement and have too much to eat for dinner (D) before basketball (Hey, I like lasagna. Sue me.), which can of course, adversely affect his speed and emotional state (yes, your emotions also take a hit when you constantly feel like you're going to vomit).

The equation that takes all of these factors into account is simple. Note that lesser players are not as adversely affected, because they already kinda suck:

((1.5/(D+m)) + (1.5/(D+m)) + (.8/(D+m-.75)) + (.6/(D+m-1)) + (.6/(D+m-1)))

And if they are playing outside:

((1.5/(D+m)) + (1.5/(D+m)) + (.8/(D+m-.75)) + (.6/(D+m-1)) + (.6/(D+m-1))) - (c) * (w + z/2) / (s + L +B)

Well, there you have it. Simple math. I hope I have managed to strip the essence of basketball down to its...uhm...essence...in a way that even Red Auerbach, the master of simplicity, never could.

Labels: basketball, math, simple