This is one of those rare days when I can't think of a single basketball-related thing to write about. Mostly because I'm still lamenting a grisly NFL weekend in which my favorite teams all suffered agonizing losses and my fantasy squad went belly-up against Evil Ted's team. So, while fruitlessly brainstorming, I decided to say thanks. Thanks to all of you who read, and comment, and submit ideas. Thanks for your kind words, for correcting me, for challenging my ideas, and -- what the hell -- thanks even to the Kobe fans who stick around and occasionally threaten my life. I really, genuinely and sincerely appreciate all of you. I may not get the chance to respond to every comment and e-mail, but that doesn't mean I don't love you crazy bastards (and bastardettes) and enjoy hearing from you.

So this is me giving back. First with a story, and then an offer. The story will hopefully amuse you. A while back, I spent a few years playing the Easter Bunny at an annual event for underprivileged children. Originally, I was responsible only for helping to plan and set up the event, but we ran into a hitch: Nobody wanted to be the Easter Bunny. Now, I learned a long time ago to always volunteer for the tasks everybody else avoids. That way, nobody can ever accuse you of trying to avoid the crappy jobs, and, more importantly, the people who do the crappy jobs usually get out of doing pretty much anything else. Dressing up as the Easter Bunny meant I didn't have to help in any other area of the event. No planning, so setting things up, no taking them down. I figured I would show up, be adored by one and all, and then leave. Easy enough, no?

The first problem was that I'm 6'3". As you would probably suspect if you ever thought about such things, they don't make a lot of six-foot, three-inch Easter Bunny costumes. So, the first year, we had to special order an extra-large costume at the last minute, and it barely made it on time. The first time I put the costume on, I immediately noticed two things. First, it was hot. Like, really hot. Imagine crawling fully-clothed into one of those thermal sleeping bags that are rated for -60 degree weather and then walking around in it for a few hours. Yeah. Second, I looked flat-out creepy. I mean, 6'3" is small to Shaq, but to an eight-year-old, I'm huge. And, now, dressed as a freaky grinning rabbit. I was actually afraid of scaring the kiddies.

The day came and, once the festivities were well under way, I was led into crowd. The kids started cheering and screamed "The Easter Bunny!" They weren't afraid of me at all, which I thought was a good thing. At first. But I soon wished that they were scared, at least a little, because these kids were mean. They immediately came over and started challenging me. "You aren't the Easter Bunny!" "He's a fake!" "Rip off his tail!" "I'm gonna tear your head off!" And they weren't kidding. I started getting grabbed, punched, pushed, and kicked. The parents in attendance and the other people running the event tried to get them under control, but the adults were outnumbered three-to-one. There was no way to police them all.

One little girl ran up and stared me down. (It's important to note, at this point, that in order to beat the heat I was wearing only a pair of boxer shorts under the costume.) She then reached between my legs and grabbed a tiny fistful of my junk, after which she turned around and announced to the other kids, "He's a man! I can feel him!" That was a low moment for me, no question about it. And my friends who where there tormented me with "I can feel him!" jokes for quite some time afterward.

After a struggle that lasted about a half an hour, the kids came down off of their sugar high or whatever it was, and we settled down to take pictures. Like this one. The little girls were great, but that little monster on the left was trying to tear out a tuft of fur. And yes, he managed to yank out some of my leg hair in the process. In case you don't know, that doesn't feel good.

Bunny 1
Ah, children. I hate 'em.

There was one little boy who was like the gang leader or something. He kept putting together small raiding parties to try and knock me over or snatch the head off my costume. He probably got in more punches and kicks than all the rest of the kids combined. I swear, I almost picked him up and threw him out the window a few times. Then, the oddest thing happened. As the party was winding down, he came up to me entirely on his own, eyes filled with tears, and said, "Thanks, Easter Bunny!" And then he hugged me. Have you ever seen a look of "WTF?!" on a costumed bunny? Well, you're about to.

Bunny 2
Uh, that's great, kid. Now get off me.

So I guess everything more or less turned out okay. I guess I should have sort of expected it. We live in an increasingly cynical society. I can assure you, based on this experience, that that cynicism isn't limited to adults. But at least with the kids, you can still get through to them. They hated and distrusted me at first, but by the end of the party they loved me.

Okay. That's the story. Now here's the offer. I'd like to do a Q&A post on Friday. So leave comments here or e-mail me directly with questions you'd like me to answer. They can be about basketball, or movies, or pop culture, or whatever. Please try to avoid overly personal questions, though, because unless you're Gwen Stefani, I'm not telling you my favorite sexual position. And if you are Gwen Stefani, call me.

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57 Comments:
Anonymous Gwen Stefani said...
What's your favorite sexual position?

Anonymous Shrugz said...
AHAHAH good question

Are you a hockey fan?
(I'm guessing "no")

Blogger Victor said...
One of the many reasons why I love this blog is because you respond to so many comments. It gives the blog a very personal feel.

"She then reached between my legs and grabbed a tiny fistful of my junk"

Was it the fist or the junk that was tiny? Too easy... I think you did give the child molesters of America some new ideas though.

As for questions... Well do you mind telling us where you live? A state at least. I'm picturing you in the basement (because you're a blogger) of Madison Square Garden.

Anonymous Jolson said...
Who do you think are the best 'almost' teams in league history? Like, the teams that didn't win the championship but were still REALLY good? One example I'd give are the 96-97 Jazz.

Blogger Brad said...
Awesome, Awesome post. You had me laughing out loud with the whole easter bunny thing.

I will get my questions ready for you.. a bawful mailbag... awesome... about time.

Anonymous Ruben said...
I was thinking about finally commenting on your weblog a few days back. Being not American and overseas and away from most opportunities to watch live games and TV shows, I have quickly come to need Basketbawful to get some perspective on the box scores and highlights. It is so nice to be pointed out what douchebags the likes of Reggie millers and Kobes and Vince Carters can be. I mean, even with limited information, you can sort of tell already. Still.

Question: can you keep doing followups on Mario West? Or a "where is he now?" segment. It seems he has been put out of his NBA misery, but I think the basketbawful world owes him a tribute for his immense contributions. Maybe he will follow Josh Childress, although probably as a fan...

Blogger m. Alana said...
Victor - Child molesters of America? More like the submissive-BDSM-enthusiast child molesters of America. A small distinction, but an important one, I think.

I don't think I have any questions for you, Bawful . . . hmm. Did that file package I sent you the other day work right?

Oh! I have a real question: Do you consider Indiana or Chicago more your home? Both in terms of home teams - Bulls and Pacers, Bears and Colts - and otherwise.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
Who would you pick to win in a fight to the death, no-holds barred, with glass shards glued to the taped fists of Karl Malone and Charles Barkley, both in their prime?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
If you could bring any starting 5 of any team to a fight... which team would you choose?

Blogger anonymousnupe said...
Wow, impressive: You coaxed Gwen to chime in.

All I could think of when I saw the pic of you in that suit was the legend here in D.C. of the dreaded "Bunny Man!" Back in the 70s when I was a child the stories going around terrified us! All you needed was an axe!

My question: I can hardly wait to see Stephen Curry in the NBA, how about you? And I hear Davidson is moving him to the 1 this season. What are your thoughts on that move?

And I woulda gone jackalope on somebody's kid.

Feelin' your blog.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
For that second picture: I can't help thinking it looks like someone on their way to a "furry" convention when some kid mistakes him for the easter bunny. He's shocked and can't decide whether to take advantage of the situation or get the hell out of dodge.

You'll have to forgive me for not linking to a furry website -- I didn't want to look one up at work.

Anonymous Wormboy said...
"...douchebags the likes of Reggie millers..."

Stop right there!

Dear Ruben. Please understand that while Reggie routinely butchers the English language, he is NOT a douchebag. Unless you're a Knicks fan, of course. If so, feel free.

You will need to know this to continue reading Basketbawful.

Thank you.

Anonymous Baguete said...
Hey BBawful, awesome post! Congrats on the "Basketbawful Cares" program.

I have a question for you:

Suppose you are the GM of a brand new NBA team and you're gonna get into an expansion draft. Also, you got the #1 pick in the 2009 Draft.

Each current NBA team would protect seven players (probably their better players, except for some terrible contracts). The rest of them would be available.

You can only pick one player per team.

Please post your roster of 14 players.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Have you ever had a Big Kahuna Burger or has anyone for that matter, and are they actually "tasty burgers"? Jules Winnfield sure makes it look good.

Anonymous Showtime said...
The Big Kahuna is much tastier with a tasty beverage, such as Sprite.

Bawful: what inspried you to start this blong in the first place (besides being the last bastion of sanity aginst the advancing throngs of Kobe lovers).

Blogger Tonewise said...
I have to keep five players in my Fleague...

notables are

Kobe
Agent Zero-knee ligaments
Crash Wallace
B.Davis (& J.Alba? ...maybe?)
Andrew Bynum
Drain O'neal

(i figure ur fairly biased towards Jermaine, since Im pretty sure ur a pacers fan... and well its been ugly over there... but keep in mind, Im a Raptor fan, so now he has the hometown keeper appeal...which of course counts very lil in fantasy sports... but you know..)


So I guess the question is between Gilbert & Oneal since Wallace does too much across the board and Bynum is too young and maybe too good... it is a keeper league which is why I'm even considering Arena still... manlove aside on that one.

I know this blog doesn't delve much into the fantasy side of things, or at least very often, but I figure you might have some decent input.

Anonymous Nick F. (Buck Nasty) said...
Obviously this could turn the masses against you, but who is the biggest basketbawful fan?

Also, because I'm an ass, I'd like to point out that the Partiots can suck it down hard. No super bowl last year and now a nice loss to Miami. I think I'm gonna give a booya on that one. BOOYA!

Anonymous Shrugz said...
what's your favourite restaurant in your area?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Who do you think will be next season's Chicago Bulls? By that I mean the season's most blatantly underachieving team. I'm taking the 76ers.

Blogger DDC said...
Bawful, you are one of the best bloggers around dude. Thanks for the laughs. One question I have for you deals with the 2008-2009 NBA season? Do you think there will be any blockbuster trades that change the balance of power this season? And by balance of power I mean a trade like Dallas made that makes the team worse.

Anonymous Jeremy said...
Are you now, or have you ever been a dunker? What was your best dunk?

Anonymous Chuck said...
Who would win in a fight: Manute Bol or Gheorge Muresan?

Anonymous Fiko said...
This website is gona help me fail my classes

Anonymous Pistonsgirl4life said...
Is there any chance in hell that it's actually Flip Saunder's fault the Pistons haven't won multiple championships and they'll finally back door into one before Chauncey and Sheed are playing someplace else?

Note the bitter pessimism...

Blogger Dunpizzle said...
What's more likely to happen, Lebron throwing his teammates and management under the bus while hovering just below .500 going into the new year or Shaq starting to miss games with the inevitable "bruised quad" after the Suns drag to a 7-13 start.

Anonymous spydermintz said...
'bawful, who would you consider to be the most underwhelming/underachieving player in the history of NBA Basketball?

And also... who do you think had the funniest name in NBA history? Or even college ball...

Blogger Shiv said...
Since we're not talking about basketball today...

What did you think of Donnie Darko?

Blogger Shiv said...
Oh and who would win in a 3-man free for all?

Muggsy Bogues, Spud Webb or Earl Boykins?

Anonymous Rainbow Bright said...
1. Say for some reason, you're given complete control of the New York Knicks. Name the 12 things you would do in order for the team to not suck so much this season

2. Where would you rank the depression that the average Seattle sports fan is going through atm?

3. If MJ would have been drafted instead of Bowie, how many titles you think The Blazers would have won?

Anonymous Murcy said...
bawful: in your opinion, who is the most over- and underappreciated player in NBA history, and in today's game? (the answer 'battier' is invalid) what is the source of your MJ-hating? (apart from being a pacers fan)

peace, Jah rastafari

Anonymous Murcy said...
oh and one more thing: what do you think about deng? (hint: he's gonna blow up!!!!)

Anonymous milaz said...
OK, I completely sympathize with the whole having to dress up thing... I worked one summer at McDonald's and there was a kid's party... so they needed someone to dress up as the Ronald McDonald clown... It is freaking hot in those bloody costumes and yes kids are mean... I got beaten up, pinched, yelling and screaming at all afternoon... it was a traumatic experience and you can't even reciprocate! Little monsters!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
do you make much money from doing this?

i really like your writing - do you have any favourite writers? do you read sports stuff at home, or something else?

do you have any least favourite athletes (basketball or otherwise)? it can be because of their personality, or just because they are crap.

is writing a dream job, something that you always wanted to do? or is it more sore eyes and a sore back?

i'm not from the US, you can probably tell from my spelling. is adam sandler actually funny? i can't stand the guy.

Anonymous footarez said...
Thank you for the awesome job you're doing and for the opportunity you gave us to ask questions.
I'm curious about previous questions like where do you live(at least the state,someone pointed),the dunk question,the original idea for the blog...and so on.
I am wondering do you have kids?And if you do are they basketball fans like you?How often do you play basketball?Twice a week?

Blogger Flud said...
Is 'Crazy ass Chuck Hayes' the best thing description of a player ever?

Anonymous Barry said...
What are your worst habits?

Bit of a pageant question, but hey; you don't have to answer it. Its just a strange curiosity.

Anonymous Ruben said...
Re: wormboy
I personally always loved Reggie Miller, and it was probably unfair to list him with Carter and Kobe. (I was initially hoping he would join the Celts last year-although mainly because he would have had to stop announcing). I just love this site for showing that all NBA players-or anyone- are capable of stupid stuff. Even the stupid stuff supposedly untouchables like MJ, Magic, Bird pulled. You don't get that on NBA.com.
Keep keeping people honest!

Q: In what order did you become interested in basketball? Playing, watching games, video games, collector cards, other?

Anonymous Simas said...
Why do you like american football? I dont understand this game, it's rubbish.

Whats so good about it that it is so popular in the USA? Some steroided barrels running at each other for 10 seconds, that 10 minute break to watch some bear commercials. It's garbage.

Blogger BJ said...
The kid was grateful you turned out not to be a bastard, no matter how badly he behaved. It'll help in future therapy sessions.

Question; who's your mancrush?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
A man came to my school a few years ago and asked who wanted to be paid to be a mascott for a weekend in a festival. I tough it would be a fun experience so I went to talk to him. Unfortunatly I ended being the ''mascott accompanist'' because at 6'4'' I don't fit in the suit... so my job was basically to tell children to be nice with the mascott and to help the mascott when he wanted to go to the bathroom.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Same thought as anonymous on that second pic. Somehow it looks like your eyes are slightly closed, glowing with furry compassion for an opportunity that conveniently arrived on your rabbity cleavage (now you can't unsee it). Or I just spend too much time on the Internet/watching Japanese television.

Simple question: Do you know any cryogenic freezing warehouses with space for me until June 2010, or when Shaq spontaneously combusts?

Anonymous Nelly Furtado said...
What´s your favorite sexual position?

Blogger Scott said...
Super-important question that has been bothering me for weeks:

Why did you have to go and change the linking ability of the picture so that I can't get to the Basketbawful front page by clicking on it? This is seriously annoying to those of us who use an RSS reader.

Blogger Michael said...
I can't read all the other comments right now (as I'm at work and a bit pressed for time) so I apologize if you get this one more than once, but:

How often do you actually play basketball? How good are you really? How often when you're playing are you with Evil Ted? (As in, do you guys ever play without one another?)

I had this crazy conspiracy-dream (that's right, I'm dreaming about a comedy-basketball website and the people who run it, whom I've never met... Maybe I need to back it down a few notches...) where I lived in the same city as y'all and started hearing rumors that you never played basketball. It made me sad when I woke up.

True story.

Also, I know I'm a Laker (and less so Kobe) fan, but I hope I've never threatened your life.

Thanks for brightening our days with your comic gold.

Anonymous joe said...
I second Scott's question, but change "so that I can't" to "so that I can". I don't use an RSS reader, but when I come over here from another site like TrueHoop that links directly to an article, clicking on the picture does not take me to the front page.

Blogger Dan said...
Have you found that having this blog reduces or expounds your love of basketball?

Anonymous Baguete said...
Who was better in his prime?
Hakeen, Ewing or Admiral?

Blogger lordhenry said...
Alright, I love Kobe, but I also love your blog, despite your well-documented hatred of Kobe and MJ, I enjoy a different(and often hilarious) perspective that I can only get here. Even if I don't agree, there is usually a good reason for why you feel the way you do. Always funny, keep up the good work, and thanks!

Q:Are you a wrestling fan? I've noticed from time to time some really obscure references to WWE that are pretty insightful for someone who only follows football and basketball. The brutus post comes to mind, which was sad and hilarious at the same time. (don't worry I won't tell anyone)

Oh, and what happened to the worsties?!

Anonymous Trent said...
Bawlful,

Are you a white or black guy? I need to put a face to your posts.

Blogger reuben said...
Different Reuben,

but hilarious site, one of my daily stops.

1)The hacker commandmends are awesome. You could have a whole other blog based solely one the random stuff at local courts.

2) Although I know you steer clear of race relations stuff, I think pick up ball is a really interesting venue where all types of crap comes up, and all types of crap gets washed away. But good job on treading the line of what needs to be brought up and what needs to be ommitted.

Anonymous Pistonsgirl4life said...
Second question... is that Michael guy's question as creepy as I think it is?

Anonymous casares_raul said...
Hi from mexico, Long time reader, firs ever comment, ¿what are the few thing that you dont found awful in basketball this days?

Anonymous Stay Chisel said...
Who wins in a smoke out: Joakim Noah, David Harrison or Josh Howard?

Blogger David said...
Who was better, John Stockton or Isiah Thomas? The conventional answer is Thomas, but numbers-wise, Stockton was better and for a longer time. Also, the Pistons' success was due in large part to their team defense, which Stockton played better than Thomas (5 time second team all defense to 0 any team all defense), while the Jazz ran a better offense, for which the point guard has the most responsibility. The tiebreaker for a lot of people is the championship count, but the Pistons never had to go through the 97 and 98 Bulls. Would the 97 and 98 Jazz teams have beaten the 90 Blazers, or the 89 (throw in the 88 team, too) Lakers? Would you help settle this for someone who wasn’t able to witness both of their careers unfold?

If you could pick five guys from any point in history at any point in their respective careers to build the perfect team, who would they be?

Who are the most overrated and underrated players of all time at each position?

Which were the top 10 NBA teams of all time?

Anonymous Sun Devil said...
Will the WNBA ever be allowed to fade away? Will a female player ever make it into the NBA? What has been the most groan inducing moment that has occurred while watching a live game? Should David Stern remain commissioner? And I know I have asked this many a time, but will you have a basketbawful fantasy league? I think it would be really swell...

Seriously Bbawful, I've been a fan of this blog for quite some time. Keep up the good work

Anonymous chone said...
If you had to construct a 12 man roster consisting solely of current white, American-born players, could you do it? Who would be the starting five?

OpenID dandruff102 said...
Not to sound stalkerish but how old are you? what's your occupation or what school do you go to?

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